Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
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Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*