[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.