I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
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I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
describing stardew valley
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.