[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt