narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
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Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)