Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
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Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I hope this email finds you in a well
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.