Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I know this now 😂
Not messing around
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
i really liked this one
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it