Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
he looks great for his age
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.