Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
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Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
BRAKING NEWS!!
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired