When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
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I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw