Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.