I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
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Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
The “baby” on the left….
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
when revenge coincides with naptime
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
i now pronounce you bounced.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.