flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.