[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
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My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.