Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
You Might Also Like
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Check your privilege
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)