[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
These aren’t even hard anymore.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.