Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
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Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
When someone trying to leave me
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift