Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I think about this a lot
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind