Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
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You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.