Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
You Might Also Like
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
#gardening
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.