[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Wednesday
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
When you don’t understand how floors work
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
who wants to go expliring
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.