Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
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Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]