I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
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first date idea we go to marriage counseling
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
😅😅😅
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.