Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
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A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?