I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
#SaturdayBears
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!