[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
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If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it