interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.