If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.