Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
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The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I’ll be mad as hell!
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already