If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems