It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
when u come home smelling like another dog
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document