scenes of unspeakable carnage
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them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
i dont have time for this
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Get in loser we’re going crying
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.