Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Imagine having a party on purpose.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.