humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
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Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Me buying fruit and veg
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”