Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
guys I’m going home
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Dietest Coke
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.