The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.