I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket