Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
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My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it