I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
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My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
there has never been a better use of this meme
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.