*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I just ran a .003048K
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?