Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
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My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out