Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Otters drive ottermobiles.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*