Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*