[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
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I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.