Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
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me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I need this for my side hustle.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break