went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
You Might Also Like
Yup!
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Breaking news:
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.