Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
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I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
this country is so goddamn polarized
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.