[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
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If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.