[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.