I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.